When you’re abstaining from sex, horny from PMSing and a fuck boy decides to text you, it’s not usually a laughing matter but today I found the hilarity in the comedic timing of this testing situation.
Not today Beelzebub!
I’d been awake in the early hours reflecting on relationships and the ways I’d mentally willed anyone to love me in the past, authentically or not, just to fill the agonising hole of isolation that comes from being on the Autism Spectrum; unable to satisfy a human need for connection and communication.
Social awkwardness mat not sound like much of a feat but when you spend your entire life desperately attempting to befriend with no ability to make small talk, give eye contact, relate to emotion or speak honestly without your brutalism piercing a world of grey emotion amongst your black and white being, it’s an endless agonising trauma.
Nowhere feels like home. Your puzzle piece doesn’t fit the emotional jigsaw of your family and open displays of affection make you squirm, so the general neurotypical consensus is that you’re cold, distant, unable to reach, unable to love.
Your silence and rigidity invites bullying, your emotionless bitchy resting face offering a betraying propaganda of what truly lies beneath the surface.
Fortunately for me, I can connect with male energy. Find safety, freedom and comfort in the confines of masculinity. Be the cub to a feline and parade with soft extroversion in a social space whose rules I can better understand.
Unfortunately for me, being a fatherless woman searching for masculinity to connect to within a hypersexualised society often doesn’t bring male best friends I can play fight and go on endless platonic adventures with, but guys interested in one thing and one thing only, that irresistible pleasure too many are willing to go to great coercive and predatorial lengths to get: panty pudding!
I’ve used apps in the past naively trying to befriend local people with similar interests that for some reason all happened to be males with ulterior motives. The app is called Befriend, not try to date and have sex with. Why can’t people just follow the rules?!
I gave into some of them, accepted that sexual connection was better than nothing, but in the process learned that intimacy was not the cure to my loneliness but a need to love myself.
Suffice to say on my journey to self love predators came along at my most testing moments, so I’ve disconnected from all males, deleted numbers and started a fresh. But this guy, just doesn’t take no for answer.
He’d tried to get me to go out with him for months, refusing to acknowledge my trauma and stress of being raped, my distrust for all men and need to be by myself for healings sake. I couldn’t take the constant pestering so I explained to him very politely that I would no longer be able to speak to him.
He replied ‘cool.’ Really? A guy that went as far as crying down the phone expressing his love for me (I’d seen him once briefly when we first met through a mutual friend) and his wish that he could treat me right replies with that unfazed monosyllabic retort! I knew what he was after but it’s still disappointing to be proved right.
Thankfully I didn’t hear from him for months (thank you Jesus, he finally got the message!) and in the very moment I found comfort in the realisation that I’m not interested in sex, dislike the thought of absorbing so many people’s energies – in what appears to be a social norm of many short-lived intimate relationships – and wanted to dedicate time to controlling my sexual urges so that nothing may have power over what I want; he pops up with ‘you good?’
I bursted out with laughter. The audacity was side-splitting, timing even more so. The number was unknown (fuck boy identification #1) but his profile picture was a funny meme I remembered he’d used before – Well done, Autistic photographic memory 🙌 – so I went straight over to the block button and deleted the message.
WOW, who would’ve thought I’d get to a stage where I was able to ignore attention from a guy.
Imagine had I been vulnerable and in that desperate space to have anyone to connect to regardless of intention! I’m not in this period of hibernation for nothing, I’ll be damned if I dont learn something.
My personal power made me smile today and I celebrated with my anti-fuck boy repellent song; Beniton Work Remix 💅
Join me in chanting the lyrics:
Woman don’t you ever give a man a chance to use you because you know he will neglect you.
And if God inna yuh life and you believe in unu self, it nuh really matter who be against you.
If a man nuh treat you right (desert him)
Inna your business dem (lurking)
Tell dem straight up, (yuh nuh like it)
Dem always gwarn like dem are (the nicest)
From the day me know me set, me know me (righteous)
Dem only know you when dem end up inna (crisis)
Nuff uh dem out dere a waste gyal a waste man
nuh mek dem move like a yuh dem a wait pon
Dem always a turn on a bend of frustration
Always a guh bruk it, dem nuh set a foundation.
Di bad mind ting ah nuh go work, di hypocrite ting ah nuh go work.
Tell your ex to guh look wuk, and tap mix up inna dirt!